Some days I hit a breaking point and I don't feel like anything I do or strive for is enough.
I don't feel kind enough, loving enough, sure enough, or beautiful enough.
Usually it comes when the ones with small hands are tugging and restless and want every ounce of attention they can squeeze out of me and chaos abounds and I just want to collapse on a pillow and bury my head deep and escape.
Some times, that might actually be my best option.
Instead, many times, I lose it a little. Or a lot. I do the very things I am loudly exhorting them not to do, loathing myself more with each word, patience wearing thin.
I wonder if I can even give attention to anything else and I begin to doubt that I have anything of value to offer and think maybe I should just give up on it all, because what good am I really doing anyway?
This is not my every day. I am blessed with healthy children, an easy life with passions I am able to pursue, positive and supportive people around me, and laughter and fun.
But every so often these thoughts invade my heart and I feel paralyzed by them.
How many of us wonder if we are giving enough, doing enough, being enough?
And then, there are the times when we are told that we are "too much".
Whether by family, friends, spouses, work, media or ourselves, we will never be "just right" for everybody. Either we are trying too hard or not hard enough or we are just sliding gently by, trying to live in the quiet middle where we are less noticed by everyone.
I don't always know where I am going and I am humbled over and over by the turns my life takes and the dead ends I travel down, but I keep learning and trying to remember that every part of the process is important and failures and mistakes will happen, because it is not just our successes that make us who we are in the end.
just being present is enough.
At least, today it was.
Children woke tired and have had melt downs over things I can't comprehend the importance of, but instead of letting it build up, we just went outside for some free family therapy.
There is something that is healing about warmth and outside air and space,
in the friendliness from a new face at the park,
in stopping and kneeling close to the ground and looking,
watching a child explore and get excited about something as simple and seemingly pointless as a water-bug sliding around the surface of a creek.
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